“The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power.”
(Unknown)
Intro: My name is Rachel O’Conner, and I discovered the Happy Living Community through my old college roommate who recommended the site to me. My favorite thing about Happy Living is the positivity that radiates from the site at all times. It’s refreshing to find such upbeat content that can cheer me up no matter what negative things are going on in my life personally or in the world these days. I felt compelled to share my voice in this guest post because I love writing and am passionate about sharing my knowledge of health and wellness with others!
History repeats itself, and that saying holds true, even within our own lives. Have you ever found yourself making the same decisions and mistakes over and over again, all while expecting a different outcome? That’s Einstein’s definition of insanity, and while you’re not actually “insane” for doing this (in fact, it’s very common), it’s certainly not healthy.
Humans are creatures of habit. That’s one reason we keep going back to painful past patterns or habits in our decision-making. However, once we realize that this tendency to reenact our past is controlling our present and future, it can sometimes be a little easier to break away and begin a new pattern.
In some cases, we keep going back to our past because of an addiction like alcoholism. Past addictions don’t have to dictate our futures, but they often do. While addiction isn’t necessarily “curable,” it can be made manageable through conscious effort. Sometimes, we’ll need to manage our addictions for a lifetime, and in many cases, there will be slip-ups. We all have triggers that usher us right back to those old habits. Identifying your triggers and finding a treatment plan that works for you, such as attending a support group, is one of the best ways to keep the past in the past. Having people who support us and will hold us accountable can be key to changing our past patterning.
Another reason we often go back to the past is that we have unfinished business. Consider for a moment the grief of a loved one passing away; sometimes that grief never truly dissipates, but we can and do learn to manage it. However, if we resist processing our grief when it’s present, our unprocessed emotion (the past) can negatively impact our experience of the present and our feelings about the future. Perhaps after losing a loved one, you busied yourself to distract yourself from your feelings instead of reflecting on what the relationship meant. Perhaps you never said goodbye. Or maybe you didn’t find out about the passing until much later and felt hurt and cheated out of your grief. Regardless of the reason for not having processed past emotion, holding onto that hurt and not finding your own means of grieving can lead to a dangerous cycle in which the Kubler Ross Grief Cycle is never completed. You may never reach the stage of acceptance but rather circulated between denial, anger, bargaining, and depression.
Another behavior that can keep us stuck in the past instead of living fully in the present is projecting onto the past through rose-colored glasses, so to speak. The past can have a way of making everything that’s happened seem simpler than it was…that’s the magic of nostalgia. Almost every generation remembers their own childhood as easier, more innocent, and joyful than it truly was, and when we hold onto those false feelings, we pine for a past that doesn’t actually exist. It’s impossible that every generation is inherently “worse” than the previous ones, and staying locked in that pattern of thinking can make us feel feelings of bitterness or resentment about the present and future. While it may be good to forget the minor pains and annoyances of the past, if we go too far in that direction, focusing on what we miss in an overly romanticized way, it keeps us from appreciating the present.
Living in the present and healthfully planning for the future is the only way to stop the past from taking hold of your present and future. That said, this is often easier said than done. If you need support bringing yourself into the present, you might consider working with a mental health expert who can offer you tools and insights to let go of the past and support you in focusing on the now.
If you’re not aligned with calling in professional help, you can easily cultivate more presence in your life by incorporating journaling or other rituals to help process past hurts. For instance, focusing on the now can be a little easier with daily meditations and/or affirmations. Another way to feel more empowered in the present is by working with experts to plan for your future. For instance, working with a financial advisor to plan for retirement can help better situate you in the present by lessening future anxiety and cultivating a more powerful sense of security.
The past sometimes lurks in us for a reason. If you find yourself caught up in the past, there are likely things that need addressing. If that’s the case, they’ll continue to stick around until you do something about it. It’s never too late to right wrongs or to say goodbye. Writing a letter you don’t intend to send or holding your own memorial for a past loved one (or a past you) can be a great way to bid farewell to the past.
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