“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment”
(Buddha)
My dear friend Jacqueline warned me that pregnancy is one of life’s events that breaks you open, leaving you forever changed. I say “warned” not because transformation is a bad thing, but rather because transformation of any kind can be unsettling, to put it mildly. It can be unsettling to experience changes that ultimately mean you won’t be the same person at the end of something as you were at the beginning–especially when you are still in the middle of it.
The process of becoming pregnant, which I wrote about last month, was unsettling in its own way. It was the first time in my life that I experienced my body not doing exactly what I wanted it to do during the exact time frame I wanted it done. As a result, many of my meditation sessions were spent reminding myself that timing wasn’t what was most important…that my commitment to the process and to the outcome were, regardless of how long it took. Keeping myself focused on the present moment and reminding myself that I was not ultimately in control of whether or not I got pregnant (after all, there had to be a baby spirit that wanted to come through me) is what got me through. I often used Louise Hay’s affirmation, “Divine right actions are always taking place in my life.” You’ll notice it does not say “divine right timing,” as timing is often irrelevant (and largely out of our control) in the most important aspects of our lives.
Actually being pregnant has also brought moments that have challenged my ability to stay present and enjoy this process. I’ve worried about how I am going to deliver this baby into the world without a bunch of potentially unnecessary interventions thrust on me by a well-meaning, but perhaps jumpy, medical team. I’ve questioned how to pick a pediatrician who will help me make decisions for my baby’s care, setting him up for a lifetime of health, rather than just managing symptoms he may have when he’s little. I’ve questioned whether or not I will be available enough to guide him on his life’s journey while also completing my own mission to help people heal their lives through the power of food. And I’ve cried a lot as I’ve wrestled with these thoughts, and again, ultimately come to realize that I don’t have much control over those outcomes, which is really hard when it feels like they are all the right outcomes!
This struggle—of realizing I am not ultimately in control of becoming pregnant, the health of my child, or the future of my career while attempting to remain open to all of them as wonderful possibilities—has been the most profound example I’ve encountered of one of the four agreements, as outlined in the book of the same name by don Miguel Ruiz: “Always do your best.” I’ve always appreciated this tenet of Ruiz’s book because “your best” changes from day to day, and sometimes, from moment to moment. The only thing we can ever do is whatever our best is in the present moment, trusting that our efforts and intentions will manifest in the best way possible in future present moments.
For me right now, this means: hiring a medical team that I trust and that has a similar philosophy to childbirth that I do, then letting go of the outcome, knowing that we will all do our best—for me and for my baby—when the time comes. Doing my best means interviewing pediatricians, using thoughtful questions to check that our philosophies on healthcare align, and hiring the one that seems the best suited. It means letting go of worry about all the “what if” scenarios that may never come to pass. My best means recognizing and taking care of what is critical in this moment, knowing that what’s important for my baby and for my career will all get done…when the moment is right. In divine right timing, which may or may not align with my idea of right timing!
All this brings me back to the title of this post, “Sometimes living in the moment means letting go.” Right now, doing my best for my baby and myself means relinquishing my sense of control over career outcomes that lie somewhere in the future to live in this moment, fully present to the needs of my postpartum self and to my baby’s needs as he begins his life as a tiny human. That means that I am letting go of work…for at least a little while. No more helping clients one-on-one or in group settings, no more contributing to other people’s articles, no more writing for my own blog or working on my book, and no more guest blogging for Happy Living. Essentially, no more doing the things I love doing and that I believe are helping people be happier and healthier.
For now.
I think I’ll come back to all of it eventually. I hope I will. But of course, I have no way of knowing what the best thing will be for me in the future, and I am open to the possibility that being a mother will further transform my view of what’s important and of what it means to do my best.
So, for now, I’m letting go of life, as I have known it, to live in this beautiful present. And as I do, I’m trusting that the Universe is conspiring to bring about the highest possible good for me, my baby, and everyone around us… including you.
As I step away from my role as a Happy Living expert to focus on my new role as Mom, I send each of you light and love as you continue to seek health and well-being in all aspects of your life. And I am grateful to Matt for allowing me to be part of the Happy Living team and to Kyle, Kaileen, Kelly and Tyla for helping me use my voice more effectively.
Until we meet again,
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